Some marriages reach conclusions, varying from natural to forced. It happens. Even with honest intentions entering the agreement, a marriage can still end in divorce.

A divorce can stem from compatibility issues, a matter of disagreements, or a simple need to move on. Sometimes, one partner is unfaithful and the other person becomes aware of their infidelity. This often happens with the help of marital investigations, which bring the truth to light. Regardless the reason, getting a divorce is no easy undertaking.

A marriage is an agreement between two people. Just because one of them wishes to continue doesn’t mean the marriage will survive. If you are the holdout, recognize the other person’s bravery. It’s not easy initiating a divorce. Like you, they are upending their lives for a future uncertain. Even if you’re deeply committed, if the other person isn’t, it will never work out.

Here is how to accept your marriage is over:

Tell people about the divorce

Telling people about the status of your marriage is another tip on how to accept your marriage is over. Once it’s settled that your marriage is indeed heading for a divorce, don’t hide it from close friends, family, and others.

For those that the divorce may impact, tell them outright. This may only involve calling a few close friends, or notifying a parent or child but hearing yourself speak those words may help you get closer to accepting a marriage’s end.

Divorce is not a failure

It’s an old-time, traditional view that for a marriage to end in divorce was a failure for those involved. This led to many couples staying together long after they likely should have called it quits. A divorce isn’t a failure and you aren’t a failure for seeking one. A divorce is a legal proceeding to announce a formal end to one’s legal agreement of marriage.

Have an amicable divorce

When you’re hurt, you want to get back at the other person. You say things you shouldn’t, do things that shouldn’t be done, or may go out of your way to negatively impact your spouse’s life. Stop this. Nothing you do will help you or them. No one should be trying to ‘get even’. If you are, you’re giving up control of your life to a relationship that is failing. Don’t do it.

Look at reality

Take a close look at the way you’re living day-to-day in your marriage. Chances are, if your marriage is ending, it’s because the way things are going is unsustainable to either you or your spouse. There may be tension, unhappiness, arguments, and all-around negativity that you shouldn’t have to live with day-in and day-out.

Forgive your spouse

Forgive your spouse for their failings and forgive yourself for yours. Anything wrongdoing or offence, let it go. Holding onto that sort of bad blood isn’t going to do any good for anyone. Accept that you don’t control your spouse as well.

If they’ve cheated on you and want to continue that affair, you can’t stop them. You no longer have to take care of them or saddle yourself with any responsibility over their actions. Simply forgive them, let them their freedom, and walk away.

Say goodbye

It can be a very emotional thing to tell your spouse goodbye but for a lot of people, it’s an important part of accepting that a relationship is over. Even it’s just in a letter, email, or over the phone. Assuming the divorce is proceeding and close to its natural end, this is when to let go of everything and simply forgive.

Let your spouse know what they meant to you, how difficult it will be to let them go, and share that you accept the relationship is over and that your marriage is ending.

Make short-term goals

In the process of keeping yourself in the mindset of delaying the inevitable with your marriage, sometimes we stop taking care of ourselves. Make some short-term goals. It could be as simple as taking a shower in the morning and shaving. Put in the effort to move on or at least to start the process.

Take the time to grieve

A marriage is very much like a death. It’s the death of a relationship, after all. Take the time to process everything. Think about what makes you happy and what you see for your life in the months ahead. You may want to take a vacation to get out of your city. Take up a new hobby. Join a class. All the while, consider the person you were before the end of your marriage and everything you want to be after it.

Think of who you are

A marriage defines the people in it. When it ends, some go through a true identity crisis. If you don’t know who you are or what kind of person you want to be, think about it. If necessary, reinvent yourself. Lose weight. Learn an instrument. Be stricter with yourself. Try to be more outgoing. There’s so many options for what you can do to redefine yourself and find who the individual ‘you’ is as opposed to the person who was in that marriage.